Nuclear Bananas

The situation in northern Japan is certainly tense, to be stupidly understated. It will be quite a while before the long-term ramifications of the damaged nuclear reactors becomes clear; the threat of a  Chernobyl-like ‘dirty bomb’ seems, hopefully, unlikely.

Most importantly, how does one laugh about it? Gilbert Gottfried was fired as the voice of the Aflac duck for making offensive jokes on Twitter. He’s made a career out of bombastically offensive humor; I suppose Aflac didn’t realize Gottfried does work other than voicing the parrot in Disney’s Aladdin.

Anyway, how to laugh.

Did you know bananas are the most radioactive fruit? The potassium in the bananas is relatively unstable – literally radioactive. Thus, you can measure radioactivity in terms of bananas. I’d like to ask the Japanese officials about what sort of banana exposure they’re dealing with. That’s a measurement an everyday Joe like myself can understand. We’re potentially dealing with bushels, people.

Did you know that over consumption of radioactive bananas is what caused the genetic mutations that led ape to become man? It’s a true fact.

Creationists also love the banana. They feel its elegant peel was designed by the great creator. If you ask me, he spent too much time designing banana peels and not enough time thinking about human genitals. I mean, come on, it’s pretty awkward situation down there. Like a sad clown.

In desperation, North Korea is said to be attempting banana enrichment, but they’re reverse engineering Ben and Jerry’s so it could take years. Anyone who has ever played Mario Kart knows that Nintendo already achieved banana weaponization.

Japan has a unique relationship with nuclear technology, being the only country to ever be attacked with nuclear weapons. The shadow of the cloud has shaped the culture – namely the pop culture. It won’t be safe to make Godzilla jokes until the situation in Fukushima becomes clearer. Well, maybe one or two Godzilla jokes.

PS. Robin Williams has a whole bit about the design-by-committee of genitalia in his 2009 HBO special, I think. I only half-stole the joke.

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